Year in Review

"Practicing authenticity can feel like a daunting task... but I believe there's even more risk in hiding yourself and your gifts from the world."

-Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection

With less than two days left in 2016, I should continue to do my tradition of the annual review.  For the most part, I've been staying out of trouble, working in a job environment that's given me a lot of perspective on the healthcare field. 

It's amazing how easily you can take for granted the importance of a healthy lifestyle, until something like diabetes and failed kidneys introduces you to dialysis that takes up 3 hours of your day sitting on a chair, for 3 days each week...for the rest of your life.  You create a sedentary lifestyle with constant pricks of needles, developing scar tissue and weak muscles.  The older you get, the more vulnerable you are to getting sick, unless you're willing to eat healthy and stay away from habits like smoking, drinking and drug abuse.  Not having health insurance (or alternate means to pay the medical bills) just makes things even more daunting in the long run, so it's good to have a plan for that, and start building healthy habits: sleep 7 hours, do yoga in the mornings, drink tea, watch your sugars and saturated fats, and walk as much as you can.  Because you never know.

I think the constant observation of people being wheeled into dialysis, falling completely into patient services or family members for help, has made me paranoid about the idea of getting old and being alone.  Age is inevitable, I know, but my experience coping with an injured hip this year has made me even more paranoid about the long-term effects like arthritis and limited mobility.  I'm scared that I won't be able to be as athletic as I want to be, that my hip will be my cross to bear for the remaining 50+ years I have to stay active.  So I want to practice everyday activity... and yet every day after work, I constantly find myself choosing between gym time and drawing/writing time.  Why?  Because drawing and writing are usually sedentary, and it adds to the 8 hours I've already sat in an office at work.

It's a bit of a love/hate relationship when I think about being an animator, because the majority of work involves sitting in front of computers for long periods of time, working almost in isolation.  This is all going off the assumption that I know what it's like to work in animation without actually practicing it, and I think it's been my defense mechanism all year:  playing it safe so as to not hurt myself in the long run.

What I like about Brene Brown's quote up there is that it resonates so much from how I've been feeling this past year - keeping myself in a very safe and comfortable space with things I enjoy in my own time so as to not overwhelm myself with disappointment in the real world.  I dealt with a lot of things this year that induced stress: dealing with my hip injury, trying to stay fit regardless, quitting my job at Second City, planning a baby shower, new roommates who aren't as clean as I would like, dealing with a strange set of health issues like Tinnitus, mice in the apartment (yep), keeping my parents company, making the realization that I don't want to study accounting, and deciding that my long-term pursuit should be in the creative fields.  Oh yeah, and Trump was voted president.  : /

In spite of all of these stressful elements, I have found amazing moments this year that have brought me joy, teaching me more a little about myself and encouraging me to stay positive for 2017.

Here are some highlights from the year:

• I became an Auntie to a beautiful smiling little girl!
• I took Improv Levels A & B, met some great people, and also took Advanced Voiceover! Right now I'm auditioning for Spanish voiceover gigs, and being in the booth feels great!
• I read some great books - Big Magic, Something New - I painstakingly completed ones like Howl's Moving Castle and A Feast for Crows.  Cersei is such a brat.
• I've had some great moments watching Animated films like Moana, Kubo and the Two Strings, and Wolf Children, feeding my artistic fires.
• My friend and I waited 9 months in all our fan-girling glory to watch Hamilton on Broadway in Chicago.  Worth the wait and all the pretty pennies.  I got to meet Karen Olivo!
• Actually... I saw quite the number of Broadway musicals this year!  If/Then, Beauty and the Beast, Fiddler on the Roof, Fun Home, Finding Neverland, Phantom of the Opera, Next to Normal, and In the Heights.
• I got to travel to Dallas and NYC to visit my awesome cousins and their young families.
• I've been successfully doing 101 push-ups at least 3 times a week.
• I binge-watched the TV show Stranger Things, and it brought great 80s Spielberg vibes.
• I got to do a 5 minute stand-up comedy bit with a Second City class, and it was fun!
• I took a figure-drawing class and an illustration course to get my artistic skills polished.
• I wrote a trans-Atlantic Christmas card to a guy I'd met 14 years ago, and it felt really good.
• I'd saved enough money get back to the balance I started out with when I first moved to Chicago 5 years ago.  It's been quite the journey.

Next year I have quite the few things to look forward to, but it'll be important for me to remember the bigger picture of everything.  I have the opportunity to go to Scotland (one of my dream destinations!), I have the chance to really sell my artwork and be on the road to becoming an illustrator, but I also have the chance to go back to school and get some experience with art direction and advertising.  Regardless, I'll need to buy a new computer, and that's all going to cost money.  I need to stop being afraid of spending money.

Just on Dec 30th, 2 days before I was to ring in the new year, I was watching the first 15 minutes of Westworld and had quite a scary moment where I lost my sense of authenticity, and things that used to make me joyful no longer had the same effect on me.  I talked about it with family and friends to see what exactly about my life right now triggered my brain to think so negatively and feel desensitized.  While I don't feel completely like myself yet, the good news is that I'm getting back some emotional connections with seeing pictures of family, replaying great memories, and pushing myself to not feel so alone as the new year starts up.  Part of the reason may be that I've felt somewhat alone in the world these past few months, going about a certain routine to survive but not thrive at what I want out of life, and feeling like my life is not quite mine.  But... it is.  

There may seem to be a lot of veils in front of me sometimes, thanks to the elements of adulthood, but I am an individual who has the opportunity to thrive and be whatever she wants to be in the world.  I have control, and can do incredible things... and if there are TV shows or films, or books, or people that bring a negative connotation to what I want my future to be, then I'll need to walk away from them.

"You belong where you believe you belong"  The Queen of Katwe

Overall, I hope that 2017 will be a year of positive change, and even if I need to map out every single hour of my week to be productive, I'll promise myself to make the most of this year with long-term goals.  I can't forget about the core challenges I would like to make for myself:

• Do physical activity that will help keep me active and not further injure my hip.  Do elliptical twice a week, swimming once a week, and fun cardio once a week, adding strength each time.
• Go to church at least 2x per month and read my Bible every Wednesday and Sunday.
• Do a creative Power Hour an hour before work begins 4x per week.
• Cook something from home at least once per month and invite people!!
• ....and...
• Stop comparing myself to others and remind myself of who I am, what I love and why I work.